to begin I will say I have no memory, no real memories of my youth. I have some “picture “ memories, which are pretty much just that, a snapshot of my childhood. And the sad truth is all I remember is sexual in nature. I remember I would go to the library and look through National Geographic to find pictures of boobs. I remember stealing Victorias Secret ads for the same. I remember playing “touching”games with cousins. I remember being embarrassed as hell after at a sleepover at a friends where she thought she was pregnant because we rubbed against each other while playing. ( in nightshirts and our underwear) don’t ask me how old we were because I don’t remember, I know I was young though.
I know I had an ok childhood though. I know I went to both grandparents a lot. We also moved around a lot so I grew up without any real friends. Hard to always start new.
My parents divorced when I was 10. All I remember from it was seeing them argue in the woods when we were at Disney world. Sad I don’t remember anything else from Disney world at 10 years old except that.
I know I was lonely. I know I liked boys but all I could do around them was hurt them. I remember being so embarrassed when I was swimming at the local pool and when I got out somebody pointed and laughed because my suit had shifted and I had pubic hair showing. But soon after that a boy started showing me attention. One I didn’t know. He was 16 and I’d just turned 13.
That 16 year old was the first person I had sex with. Because he made me feel special for that little while. We moved again not long after that, but I remember getting attention from other boys after that and it made me feel included at the very least. Is still had no real friends. At the new house, how else did I make new friends? You got it. Sex. My parents fought a lot. My dad wanted custody. I know I was caught in the middle. I know I was alone and sad most of the time. Once I took a whole bottle of aspirin because … well I have no idea. Must have hated life right? All it made me do was puke green at school (I think) . I ended up in the hospital for a little bit, then had to see a shrink who gave me all sorts of drugs. All I did was lie to her, I didn’t want her to tell my parents what I was doing.
Dad got custody of me, not my siblings. I know I was horrible to my mom because dad had my back. Dad actually only cared about not paying child support for me. So the same continued when I lived with him. He let me date an 18 year old for a while when I was 14 because the guy had similar interests with my dad (diving) that ended when dad found out he actually lived in a halfway house because of statutory rape 🤣. Dad let my uncles 28 year old brother take me to a car show 6 hours away. Can ya guess how that went?
Dad eventually caught me with someone, then came the lockdown of my freedom. And the physical abuse of I talked back. I ran away once when dad hit me so hard he busted my eardrum. The cops said if I ran away again I’d go to juvie. Finally at 16 dad was mad at me for something and drug me out of the local bowling alley by my hair. That was in front of so many witnesses that the cops obviously got involved. Cops said I could either get emancipation through supporting myself while going to school, living all alone, or I could get married. So to avoid tarnishing his reputation my dad signed the paperwork to let me get married . So at 17 I married a guy I’d been seeing for a few months! I grew up a bit during that year. We rented a house and both got jobs. My sex drive was too much for him though. He didn’t mind sharing me. I had a few girlfriends during that time, and 1 guy friend, who was my then husband’s best friend. I think he should have been the one I ended up with forever. He was the only time in my life I ever felt those movie “sparks” every single time his lips ever met mine, boom. But anyway, you can’t start a relationship as an affair so that’s that.
At 18 enters my now ex. I was married still. I got hired at the gas station a few blocks from my house. They didn’t sell booze so 18 was old enough. My then husband cheated on me. That was that, I don’t share.
My boss at the gas station was very understanding. He was this handsome 28 year old guy who was going through a divorce because his wife cheated on him too….